recovery

i'm on the road to recovery. i had a slight breakdown, hit very near bottom but i'm (slowly) bouncing back. i have to figure out where i want to be so i can then figure out how to get there. i want stability for my sweet baby. i want him to see parents that love and support each other through hard times and good times. i dont' know if we're setting a good example or torturing each other. 7 years...how can we end like this? i simply won't accept it. my mantra has become :your enviroment should not affect your praise...even though things look dark and hopeless (well, not all the time, some times things look promising, which makes it hard when they get back to dark) this is NOT the end of this story. it's only over if we choose to throw it all away. and i won't do it. not because of the baby. not because of the history (well not exclusively lol). but because i don't think we are a mistake. i don't think we got ehre only to lose. and divorcing feels like losing. anything worth having is worth fighting (and bleeding) for. he doesn't know if we're worth it but i know we are. and since i'm the heart and the heart keeps life flowing through the body, that means that as long as i can keep pumping life, we won't die. sometimes i think it makes me stupid to feel like that. other times i think its wise because so many people will easily give up when times get tough. i love this man. even with his baggage, just like i believe he loves me even with mine. and i believe we'll get through this, even if it feels like it will take forever lol. already it hurts less although i hate that they still talk. i hate that she's waiting for him. thats not her place, it's mine and i don't know how to put her back where she should be. i guess i can't, which is what really bothers me.however, i know this isn't too big for God to handle...and he will put us all exactly where we are supposed to be. which should prolly be my mantra lol..."Lord put us all where we're supposed to be"

giving voice to my pain

cb:
i am so angry at you. sex is physical, i dont care about that. you gave her intimacy...that is supposed to be mine. how could you? are you angry at me? are you hurting? how can i know if you don't tell me. how do we go from here? how do i trust you? certainly you shouldn't trust me lol, but if you don't know that by now, you won't find out until i tell you. that should make me feel better...it doesn't. hollow comfort. i am here building our home our life raising our son...you are acting like you're 21, having little movie dates and wild sex. yeah i'm jealous hurt and angry. she has you and you're all i want. i hate that. i try to make you less...that's where the issue comes in. see i am terrified of my feelings for you. they are realer and stronger than anything i ever imagined...which gives you the ability to crush me...and i'm so aware of it. i worry that you will hurt me...so i try even harder to make it seem like it doesn't matter as much as it does. how do you think our relationship would change if i would relax and trust you to not hurt me? I guess she's white noise...disguising the real problem. i wish we could have done something before things got here. i'm getting less and less worried about the end coming as the days go by. i need to check my pride though...we're worth it. i guess i am just worried about the transitioning. i have such a smart mouth and you take so much silently...we have to be better to each other. how do we navigate this? lol as i was typing the answer popped right up...God navigates so we don't have to worry about it. not that you're necessarily worried...although knowing you, you thought about it, but since you can't do anything but wait and see how it goes you will just cross that bridge when you get to it...and i bet you're putting more emphasis on the reunion that you realize. i can banish white noise.
i miss you. im also angry you weren't here when he was born. it wasn't your fault but i'm angry at you for it. i was so scared. i just wanted you, even if you couldn't stay. and while i was going through that...you were with her. my heart aches everytime i think abou tit. but why tell you? it wouldn't do anything but make you feel bad. i don't necessarily want you to feel bad...i want you to understand how i feel. and i want an apology and for you to acknowledge you were wrong. i wish you'd tell me what you want.
do you miss me? i have so many questions but that's the most pressing. i hope you do. i know you love me...we have too much history for that to have changed.
in spite of everything (and isn't that so very much) i can't wait until you come home. i feel like maybe things could just slide into the normal that i saw in my mind in september. but is that healthy?
how is it possible to still physically miss you so very much? it's like a part of me is missing...how corny but true. does the fact that you don't feel the same mean you don't love me as much as i love you? your letters make me want to cry for a whole new reason now. i felt such LOVE in each of them. they are so you...i could hear your voice saying the words. i treasured the paper because you had held it. i am a cliche. i held those pages against me as if holding them brought me closer to you. you are ever presently on my mind. while i'm missing your touch, you're rouching someone else. why baby? how could you do this?
by april i may notcare as much...but what if i see you and all the resentment and anger come roaring up? will love win?