recovery

i'm on the road to recovery. i had a slight breakdown, hit very near bottom but i'm (slowly) bouncing back. i have to figure out where i want to be so i can then figure out how to get there. i want stability for my sweet baby. i want him to see parents that love and support each other through hard times and good times. i dont' know if we're setting a good example or torturing each other. 7 years...how can we end like this? i simply won't accept it. my mantra has become :your enviroment should not affect your praise...even though things look dark and hopeless (well, not all the time, some times things look promising, which makes it hard when they get back to dark) this is NOT the end of this story. it's only over if we choose to throw it all away. and i won't do it. not because of the baby. not because of the history (well not exclusively lol). but because i don't think we are a mistake. i don't think we got ehre only to lose. and divorcing feels like losing. anything worth having is worth fighting (and bleeding) for. he doesn't know if we're worth it but i know we are. and since i'm the heart and the heart keeps life flowing through the body, that means that as long as i can keep pumping life, we won't die. sometimes i think it makes me stupid to feel like that. other times i think its wise because so many people will easily give up when times get tough. i love this man. even with his baggage, just like i believe he loves me even with mine. and i believe we'll get through this, even if it feels like it will take forever lol. already it hurts less although i hate that they still talk. i hate that she's waiting for him. thats not her place, it's mine and i don't know how to put her back where she should be. i guess i can't, which is what really bothers me.however, i know this isn't too big for God to handle...and he will put us all exactly where we are supposed to be. which should prolly be my mantra lol..."Lord put us all where we're supposed to be"

giving voice to my pain

cb:
i am so angry at you. sex is physical, i dont care about that. you gave her intimacy...that is supposed to be mine. how could you? are you angry at me? are you hurting? how can i know if you don't tell me. how do we go from here? how do i trust you? certainly you shouldn't trust me lol, but if you don't know that by now, you won't find out until i tell you. that should make me feel better...it doesn't. hollow comfort. i am here building our home our life raising our son...you are acting like you're 21, having little movie dates and wild sex. yeah i'm jealous hurt and angry. she has you and you're all i want. i hate that. i try to make you less...that's where the issue comes in. see i am terrified of my feelings for you. they are realer and stronger than anything i ever imagined...which gives you the ability to crush me...and i'm so aware of it. i worry that you will hurt me...so i try even harder to make it seem like it doesn't matter as much as it does. how do you think our relationship would change if i would relax and trust you to not hurt me? I guess she's white noise...disguising the real problem. i wish we could have done something before things got here. i'm getting less and less worried about the end coming as the days go by. i need to check my pride though...we're worth it. i guess i am just worried about the transitioning. i have such a smart mouth and you take so much silently...we have to be better to each other. how do we navigate this? lol as i was typing the answer popped right up...God navigates so we don't have to worry about it. not that you're necessarily worried...although knowing you, you thought about it, but since you can't do anything but wait and see how it goes you will just cross that bridge when you get to it...and i bet you're putting more emphasis on the reunion that you realize. i can banish white noise.
i miss you. im also angry you weren't here when he was born. it wasn't your fault but i'm angry at you for it. i was so scared. i just wanted you, even if you couldn't stay. and while i was going through that...you were with her. my heart aches everytime i think abou tit. but why tell you? it wouldn't do anything but make you feel bad. i don't necessarily want you to feel bad...i want you to understand how i feel. and i want an apology and for you to acknowledge you were wrong. i wish you'd tell me what you want.
do you miss me? i have so many questions but that's the most pressing. i hope you do. i know you love me...we have too much history for that to have changed.
in spite of everything (and isn't that so very much) i can't wait until you come home. i feel like maybe things could just slide into the normal that i saw in my mind in september. but is that healthy?
how is it possible to still physically miss you so very much? it's like a part of me is missing...how corny but true. does the fact that you don't feel the same mean you don't love me as much as i love you? your letters make me want to cry for a whole new reason now. i felt such LOVE in each of them. they are so you...i could hear your voice saying the words. i treasured the paper because you had held it. i am a cliche. i held those pages against me as if holding them brought me closer to you. you are ever presently on my mind. while i'm missing your touch, you're rouching someone else. why baby? how could you do this?
by april i may notcare as much...but what if i see you and all the resentment and anger come roaring up? will love win?

I'm back!

It's been over a year...things have certainly changed too lol. I am married (YAY!) and living in a whole new state. I'm believing I'll hear I have 2 jobs on Monday so the hubby and I can go on a little shopping spree (which we deserve). My hair is reddish brown now, I finally dyed it. It's a pretty color, I should post a picture. And I've become quite the little homemaker. We decorated for Christmas yesterday. For Thanksgiving we had pork chops, macaroni and cheese, sauteed green beans, and biscuits. Okay, enough of the boring updates...

give us free!

It's been a rough week. I am thoroughly ready for the weekend and for a new circumstance. A few of my co-workers are just out of control. But enough about that, because I have certainly devoted too much time and brain space to them.
My hair is growing back. I can feel the new growth, which makes me happy. I'm hoping by the time my sweetie gets home for good I can put it in a ponytail again. But for now the natural look is easy to maintain and looks pretty cute most days.
Ugh, I just ran out of steam. Don't you hate that? Oh well. Today's outfit: my new butterfly jeans (so cute!), cream top, navy laceless chucks, and fabulous headband. Oh, and my gold hoops. Simple, but apparently adorable, I got compliments lol. Yay for not having court and taking a short day. There's the good thing about getting paid in vacation time...I can take half days and not worry about depleting my stash of hours cuz we earn an extra day each month! Alright, I'm off to look busy for the next 20 minutes before I wander home for a nap and toddler madness.

annoyed

I've been fighting with my sister via email all day. I am so so tired of her defensive attitude. You really can't say anything to her cuz she gets all pissy and defensive. I am usually decent at putting myself in other people's shoes, but I could never really walk in hers. I have tried, but I just don't see myself there. It's frustrating. I'm so sick of thinking about it, of being mad about it, but it's stuck in my head. And it doesn't help having to be at work focused on other stuff when I want to stew lol. I keep praying, but it must be half hearted. Lord give me the wisdom to say (or not lol) what needs to be said. More importantly, I give you the frustration of this burden. I let you carry this for me so that I can continue to walk my path without anger clouding my vision. I thank You that the situation is already under control and Your Hand is already in it, doing what needs to be done. Now I really do feel better lol.
I quit smoking today :)
Oh, and I'm wearing cream pants (that are getting too big!!!), coral floral tank top, cream sweater, gold mary jane flats, and random brown jewelry. Gotta get back into that. My how I've missed this...

iraq

So my boyfriend is deployed to Iraq. That is sucky, but (generally) not as sucky as people think. I don't like telling people because they get all "aww, poor you" about it, and I don't see it that way. I'm really proud of him and what he's doing. And considering that even when he's not deployed he lives 12 hours away, it's not like this is a huge change for me.
Except today.
Today I am sick and tired. I just want to curl up in his t-shirt and sweats on the couch and have him rub my achy belly while we watch crappy tv.

happy November

My sister bought me a blackberry as an early birthday present. I am loving my big girl phone!
I have to admit, I generally update at work, but last week my supervisor thought it would be cool to give us as much work as possible. I'm not complaining (yet), just saying. She is my latest struggle. There are five perple in my division. Three of us are under 30 and my supervisox and another woman are old enough to be our mothers. This may sound arrogant, but I really think she is intimidated by my age and education. I can't help that people like me.I'm just a likable kinds person, hater. So I'll show her by doing a fabulous job. I am a big fan of killing people with kindness.
My car is back in commission! Keep praying please!
Friday's outfit was my pseudo jeans copper shrug sweater, brown tank, and rocket dog clogs.